Depression
by Dewey18
Summary: It was around three in the AM. To say that I was drunk would be an understatement. I was heavily intoxicated, from all of the Bacardi I had drunk to down all of the unidentified pills I had taken. To sum it all up, I should be in this tub, dead.
1. Chapter 1

**It was around three in the AM. To say that I was drunk would be an understatement. I was heavily intoxicated, from all of the Bacardi I had drunk to down all of the unidentified pills I had taken. To sum it all up, I should be in this cold, pasty white bathroom, lying in the tub, dead; but I wasn't, someone somewhere had a warped sense of humor. So there I was, intoxicated and high off my ass, contemplating every event that had brought me to this dark place.**

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I was the head cheerleader in high school. I had the great grades, two of the best friends ever (Who were also squad.), a great boyfriend (Football team.), and a great family. My life was picture perfect.

It wasn't until one night, after cheering at one of the football games that things changed…

_My father had decided to stay home that night, he said he was overstressed from work. We believed him, of course, we lived the picture perfect life, there was no reason _not_ to trust him. _

_That night the game lasted until a little after halftime. I had just finished up the routine out on the field and was heading back to the sidelines when the rain started. It wasn't just any light rain that our boys could play in, it was pouring. The game was canceled shortly afterwards._

_Apparently daddy had found a way of distressing that he was hiding from us, when my mom and I walked into our house we saw him and a much younger red head going at it on our living room couch. _

_I was horrified that he would do this to us. To our picture perfect family. __To my mom.__**To me.**_

There you have it, the very event that started all of this. I cringe at the thought that I could honestly pinpoint all of my problems on my father. I almost felt _sorry_ for him. _Almost._

_After my mom chased the whore out of our house, and my father dressed himself, the fighting started. I sat in my bedroom and listened to every word yelled. With each word that was yelled I could feel our family slipping, like sand through my fingers. I could feel everything I'd ever known slowly tipped upside down. _

_I sat in my bedroom every night listening as they fought over everything. The house. The furniture. The cars. But mostly, they fought over me. Neither of them really caring to have me around, I was just the ultimate prize to win. To be able to forever hold it over the other's head._

_The fighting between them only ceased once the courts decided my fate; The house was my mother's, the money was half and half, the furniture was divided up (My mother's only request was the small couch, that we had both avoided sitting on like the plague after that night.), and I had to go back and forth to each parent every other week._

And that would bring us to the next event that had caused me to end up here, the instability. Or so the countless shrinks, that my mother forced me to see, had decided.

After everything was settled and moved out my mother decided something had to be done with the rather large red couch that was sitting in our living room.

_It was an early December morning when my mom burst into my room to wake me up, "Hayley wake up, I need your help." I was too tired to argue so I did as she asked, helping her move the couch out to our back yard. Fetching the can of gas, my father had always insisted we needed, just in case, when my mom asked me to. I brought it back to her and she violently shook its contents over the length of the bright red couch, that my mother had begged for months for. "Matches Hayley." She said quietly, starring at the, now soaking, couch. I brought the book of matches we always kept in the kitchen drawer. She lit it and threw it over the couch. I stood with her and watched the harsh flames as the constant reminder of that night, both of us silently crying._

_A few weeks later my mom informed me that we could no longer afford to keep the house that I had grew up in. The very house that held all my memories of family holidays, every milestone of my life, countless sleepovers with Alex and Valerie (My best friends.). I was heartbroken over the upcoming loss. _

I never let my mother know of the pain that was eating me up inside over the move, she was already dealing with way more than she could handle.


	2. Chapter 2

Through all of the recent events, I started withdrawing from everything around me. I barely paid attention during school, I didn't put any effort in cheer, I barely talked to any of my friends any more, or Gabe-my boyfriend.

_Alex and Valerie hadn't given up like all my other supposed friends had. The continued calling and checking in on me, inviting me to places, coming over to just sit and watch tv. At first Gabe did the same things, always trying to be there for me, sitting with me at lunch even though I'd never talk. Although that only lasted so long. After almost three months of relentless efforts he started giving up, doing less and less, until he only texted me once a day, leaving it up to me to decided if we would talk. _

_One night, around the beginning of January, Valerie succeeded in convincing me to come to one of her famous parties._

I'd usually go to help clean up and get her and Alex in bed, I never used to drink.

_I got off the phone with Valerie to get dressed. It was only twenty minutes later, I parked my car and started walking towards her house, the street was already filling up with the cars of classmates. I walked up to the brightly lit house that had loud music streaming throughout it, spilling out onto the front lawn to meet the overflow of teenagers that littered her front lawn along with the assorted color plastic cups._

_I walked into the house, nervously, setting out in search of either one of my best friends. I received a few hello's from random kids but mostly, everyone was stared at me. I didn't blame any of them, I'd kept myself shut up in my house for almost four months. _

_I kept searching the bottom floor of Valerie's enormous house. I finally gave up and settled for some of my old friends from cheerleading. "Hey." I said smiling at them._

"_Hi." Ella, the girl who took over my position as head captain, said._

"_Do you know where Valerie and Alex are?" I asked politely after I realized that they were all mad at me._

"_Upstairs." Someone said._

"_Thank you." I mumbled pushing past drunk, sweaty couples._

_Once I was upstairs I started looking around. I decided after a few minutes that most people came up here to either have sex or go to the bathroom. I figured my friends would be here for the second one._

_I checked the line for the bathroom quickly. Not seeing them, I decided they might have needed something in Valerie's room. Quickly I backtracked towards the room on the left. _

_I opened the door and started to walk in, I froze when I saw what was happening, it was like deja vous._


	3. Chapter 3

_I stood in horror, glued to the floor, once I realized it was Alex and Gabe going at it. After a moment, I had regained my composure, I flipped on the light switch. _

_Finally realizing my presence, Alex sat up and looked around Gabe's body "Hey! We're a little bu--" She stopped mid sentence when she noticed it was me. "Oh my god, Hayley!" _

_At the mention of my name Gabe pulled out and turned to look at me. "Hayley!" He gasped, I turned to leave the room "No, wait!" He yelled. _

_I ran down the stairs as fast as I could, "Hayley just wait!" He was yelling over everyone. I continued to push through the crowd, away from him. "Damn it Hayley!" He yelled, making everyone quiet down and turn to look at us. _

_I turned around to face him, the pain was gone now, I was outraged. "What Gabe? How the fuck can you possibly explain this?" He started to answer. "No, don't even try, I'll do it for you; you can't. I know I've been distant from you, from both of you," I said shifting my gaze to Alex for a moment. "but seriously, you could've just fucking broken up with me. God! You did the same pathetic fucking thing he did." My entire body was shaking now. _

"_Hayley, I love you. Please," Gabe begged._

"_You don't know what love is." I hissed through my clenched teeth._

"_Come on Hal." Alex said, reaching out to grab my arm. "We're best friends, talk to me."_

"_No!" I yelled, ripping my arm out of her grip, making the crowd that had formed jump a bit. "You don't know what best friends are Alex. Best friends are not supposed to do these kind of things. Especially the ones that have been friends since sixth fucking grade. So no, Alex, we're not best friends, I'm the pathetic girl that was cheated on and you, you're the whore my boyfriend cheated on me with." I finished talking, letting out all of the anger that had built up and left._

_I got outside and I started running down the sidewalk, away from the party. Away from all of the prying eyes. Away from my cheating ex and my whore of a 'best friend'. away from all the dram, the pain. Away from my car…_

_And that's when everything hit me, I sat down on the cold curb and cried. I cried for everything that had happened to me over the months. I cried, letting out all the pain I'd never let myself feel. _

_My crying had just started to become hysterics when a shadow fell over me._


	4. Chapter 4

I don't know, to this very moment, if he hadn't have walked into my life when he did if I would still have found myself in this place. Battling the same demons or if this really was the very thing that sent me far over the edge.

"_I heard what happened in there. Not to mention the rest of the fucked up things that happened to you." The shadow's owner spoke. His voice sounded thick, and far away but somehow it sounded reassuring, safe. "I don't blame you for what you said. It took guts." He crouched down near me, pushing my out of control red hair behind my ear. He placed his cool, rough fingers under my chin and turned my head so I was starring at his dark blue eyes. I was lost in them, they were intoxicating. _

"_Th-thanks." I managed to whisper._

"_Lets get you out of here, people are gonna start leaving soon." He didn't wait for my answer, he wrapped his thin arm around my body, taking my hand in the other, and stood us up. I leaned into him as he walked us further away from my car. I didn't object, or even say anything on the subject. I couldn't find the strength to leave his side, to let go of the safety I felt when he held me._

_We got in his car and he started to drive away. "Do you need to be home tonight?" He asked quietly, breaking the silence that filled his small, old blue truck. I shook my head, nervous to be here. "Kay, we're going back to my house." He said holding my hand. _

That was the first time I had ever spoken to Bryan Donahue. Everyone had always talked about how he was 'dangerous', but I never liked to listen to the rumors. Unknown to me at that moment, but those were more than rumors. Unknown to me, when I had allowed him to take me with him, I had allowed him to give me a one way ticket to this lovely hell hole of a bathroom I sit in now, wishing for death.

"_Hailey, just try it baby." Bryan pressed one day as we sat in his dark apartment. Around us were the people he considered his best friends, Martin and Johnny. And of course wherever Martin went, so did his girlfriend Vicky. _

_I looked at him nervously but took the blunt that he had in his hand and inhaled. "Now that wasn't so bad, now was it?" Bryan laughed, taking the blunt back and wrapping his arm around me. He took a hit and passed it on, he laid his chin down on the top of my head, I could feel the roughness of the scruff that had collected on his face. _

_Once it was back to me a took another hit, this one was smoother. I realized for the first time I was actually relaxed. "Wow." I had whispered as I handed it back to Bryan. _

"_What?" Vicky giggled._

"_I feel so, relaxed." I said as I giggled with her._

"_Told you." Bryan whispered in my ear, kissing the side of my face. _

After that, I started regularly smoking with the three, picking up cigarettes just as quick. Honestly as I look back, I did it all to fit in, to feel wanted, needed.

Never once did it occur to me then, but as I look back I realize that everything that had happened didn't just affect me but my whole family. My mother started drinking, a habit she had never had when they were still together. My father started sleeping around more and more, having a new girl every night I was over at his house. The changes in my parents probably had the most impact on my life, after the divorce neither cared what I did. For a while I didn't notice this, shutting myself inside of my room. But after Bryan came into my life, I never had to be accounted for anymore; I could stay out late, come home drunk, stay over at his house and they'd never notice. Let alone care.

_A month or so after I'd met Bryan, we sat alone in his apartment. It was just after one of his band practices (He was in a band with Martin, Johnny and some boy Paul.) Bryan pulled out a couple of bright colored pills. With all the trust I had given to the boy, I didn't think twice when he told me to take one. I popped one quickly and he did the same._

_After the initial affect the pills had on us, Bryan pulled me as close as he could get me on his lap. He start kissing me on the lips, hard almost hungry. I returned this kiss with as much need, as everything around me started getting hazy, then disappearing completely as I was lost in his kisses, his touches. We kept kissing with the same intensity, biting my bottom lip, until we had to go up for air. Not missing a beat, he start kissing down my jaw, getting to the skin exposed above my collarbone. I gasped a bit when he started pulling off the tight shirt I had been wearing. _

_We fumbled with our clothes, managing to pull off my shirt, bra and jeans and his shirt, and pants, as we continued to kiss. He picked me up, and carried me towards his bedroom. _

"_I love you Hayley." He whispered before he took my innocence._

_I froze as he said this. I'd never felt anything for anyone other than Gabe in my entire life. Did I love him back? What would he do if I didn't say it back? I contemplated these things as he continued to kiss down my body._

"_It's ok if you don't say it back Hayley." He whispered, his head laying next to me, I hadn't even noticed he'd stopped. "I just wanted you to know where I stand." He smiled and started kissing me again. I let myself fall back into rhythm with him, allowing myself to fall into his hungry kisses._


	5. Chapter 5

Over the months that I'd been with Bryan he changed me. His friends became mine. His apartment became my new home. But the most apparent change, his habits became mine. After we got together I started drinking, smoking, popping pills and ditching everything school related.

Although I had been gone for so long my friends still hadn't given up on me yet.

"_Hayley, I'm sorry about what happened. I honestly didn't know they were doing anything." Valerie said a few days after the party. I had just decided to check it now. "Please talk to me, I'm worried about you. I've been hearing some things about you… I miss you Hal." She hung up sounding on the verge of tears. _

_I deleted the message and decided to deal with the rest of the messages that were blocking up my inbox. "Hayley! God, I'm so sorry baby. Please talk to me, let me explain." Gabe pleaded._

"_Hayley, I'm sorry I did that to you. I never meant to, I was drunk. I didn't know what I was doing. I'm so sorry." Alex's voice pleaded. I deleted it before she could say anything else._

"_Hayley, please talk to me. I'm worried about you. You're never home, you're never at school." Valerie said, crying a bit. "I'm worried."_

"_Hayley! Damn it." Gabe yelled. "What the fuck are you doing?!" _

His message always makes me stop and think. What had I been doing? Everything I'd always been against, said I'd never do. It wasn't like I was a prude or anything back then, I just had morals. So much for them.

"_Hayley, I'll be home late." My dad said. He hadn't even realized that I hadn't been home in months. Too distracted with all of his whores? Most likely. Oh god, what about mom? It wasn't like her to not care where I was. What I was doing… Was she still drinking? Was she ok. I could feel myself starting to panic._

_I switched to the next message hoping to distract myself. "What is this shit you're pulling?! You need to come home, get back to school. We're worried about you. You have Gabe and Val freaking out. How can you do this to them? And for what? A shit life with some pathetic band boy that'll never get out of the damn garage? Wow, way to be a good friend. Come home when you're done ruining your throwing your life away." Alex yelled. She had always been the most vocal about her feelings, always telling it the straight up, not caring how you felt. _

_I sat back against the headboard of Bryan and my headboard and started to cry. I couldn't figure out what in the world she wanted me to go back __**to**__._

"_Hayley?" Bryan called from out on the balcony once he heard my crying. "Hayley what's wrong? He asked once he was sat down on the bed next to me. _

_When I didn't answer he gathered me up in his arms, holding me close. "What happened Hale?"_

"_I-It's" I stammered in between crying._

"_Shh, calm down baby." He said rocking me slightly._

_After my crying stopped, Bryan resituated us so he could look at me. Still holding onto my hand, he rubbed it with is thumb in small circles. "Hayley, what happened?" _

"_It's Alex. She thinks I'm a pathetic and terrible friend for leaving and not talking to any of them lately." I said as I sniffled a bit._

"_And this is coming from the girl who let your boyfriend of like a million years cheat on you? With her?" He said in disbelief_

_I nodded, "She thinks I need to go back. That I'm throwing my life away here. That this place is ruining me. She thinks you're a bad influence…" I could see him getting angry but I couldn't stop. "But what does she want me to go home? All that's waiting for me there is parents that don't even noticed if I'm there or not. Alex, I can't even look at her without thinking of what she did to me. Gabe, stupid fuck. Valerie and her crying. My dad hasn't even noticed I haven't been there, Bryan! He left me a message saying that he'd be home __late__!" I was crying again. "There's nothing good to go back to Bry. You know the night when you rescued me, was the first time I felt like things were ok since the night we found him with his whore. You make me feel safe, wanted. Why should I give that up?"_

"_Oh Hayley." He said as he brushed my tears away. "Don't worry about what she says, she has no right to say any of it. Besides the fact that she has no idea what she's talking about. You do what you want Hale, you're the only one who knows what's right for you. And your parents, I don't know what to say about them, how they could not notice you being gone…it drives me nuts. I notice when you're gone from my side! Although, no offense, I'm glad they don't you wouldn't get to be over here so much if they did." He pulled me close to him, my head resting on his chest. "You know you'll always have a place here Hayley. And not just because I want you here either, everyone does. Vicky loves you, all the guys drool over you," He looked down at me when I giggled. "And I, I love you Hales." He kissed the top of my head. _

"_I…I love you too Bryan." I said quietly into his chest._

_He pulled me away from his chest so he could look into my eyes. "Really?" I nodded. "Good." He kissed me lightly on the lips and leaned back against the head board. I laid my head down on his chest, letting him play with my hair. "Hayley, if you ever want, I wouldn't mind taking care of Gabe for you." I could hear the smile in his voice, but I knew he was serious._


	6. Chapter 6

_I woke up the next day with a sense of determination. Sitting up in the bed I looked around me, taking in the piles of dirty clothes, the two full ashtrays, the clutter of soda cans/bottles and the empty plates and chip bags. 'This needs to be cleaned.' I thought as I looked towards the balcony door's window; temporarily blinded by the light I decided the day would be very nice. _

_"Good morning Hayley." Bryan said, his voice raspy from sleep. _

_"We need to clean, Bry." I said as my good morning, continuing to look at the room. _

_"Alright." He said, sounding disappointed. _

_"Good, how about you grab all the dishes and I'll get the clothes ready to get washed?" I asked, hurrying to get out of bed._

_"Babe, lets just stay in bed for a little bit." Bryan pleaded._

_"No, we should stop putting it off." I said knowing that the minute Martin brought out whatever he had brought home the night before, both Bryan and I would lose all focus on anything else. "This room is looking really disgusting."_

_"Alright." He said, slightly pissed._

_"Thank you Bry." I said kissing his cheek as I walked past him to grab a laundry basket. _

_"Uh huh." He mumbled gathering the bottles in his arms._

_I couldn't help it, but I began to get annoyed with his attitude. All I wanted was our room to be slightly clean; It didn't need to be spotless, I just wanted to see the floor, and keep the food out. _

_It took us a little bit to clean everything, but in the end it was worth it. The room at least looked nice for now. "Much better, thank you Bryan." I said as I wrapped my arms around his neck, placing a kiss on his lips. He resisted for a moment, remaining stubborn, but soon gave into the kiss. "Let's shower?" I asked once I pulled away._

_His eyes lit up. He looked me up and down, trying to figure out what I wanted. I bit my lip lightly as I watched him. "Alright!" I giggled as we moved into the shower._


	7. Chapter 7

After our shower, Bryan was in a much better mood. I smiled as I watched him from the corner of my eye, humming some song I couldn't recognize as he pulled on a pair of dark blue skinny jeans.

I turned back to my small dresser, that seemed to break every time I opened one of the old wooden drawers. Searching for the my favorite plaid shirt; I'd need some comfort for what I hoped Bryan and I could do that day.

"Hayley, you're gorgeous." Bryan said, sneaking up on me, wrapping his arms around my waist and leaning his chin on my shoulder. His rough facial hair rubbing against my bare shoulder.

"Yeah well you're alright." I said giggling, pulling my shirt on, leaving the buttons unbuttoned, allowing the tank top to be seen. "Martin home yet?" I asked cautiously.

"Not yet." Bryan said a bit disappointed, reaching for one of our packs of cigarettes and heading out to the balcony.

"Oh, well I guess I have a question for you…" I said nervously, following him into the sunlight.

"What's up Hal?" He asked looking at me intently as he let out the smoke that had been swirling around his lungs.

"You know how I've kind of been staying here…a lot?" I said looking at my feet.

"So that's who's been hogging my bed?" He asked as he pushed hair out of my face.

"Oh no that's the prostitute I hired so I wouldn't have to hear your snoring." I replied quickly.

"Ah, that explains the smell of cum and aids." He said nonchalantly. I laughed loudly. "Anyways, yes I have noticed that."

"Well I was kind of hoping that you wouldn't mind if I actually moved in…like with all my stuff?" I said timidly looking up.

"Of course!" He said happily wrapping his arms around me tightly. I giggled as he slightly picked me off the ground. "Did you want to go get your stuff now?" Bryan asked eagerly.

"Uh, yeah that sounds great." I shoved my hands into my short pockets, nervous at the thought of going home.


	8. Chapter 8

[i] The drive over was ride over was quiet as Bryan blasted his newest band that he'd found. I simply watched out the window nervously. My contents of my stomach was begging to come up. I willed it and my window down, hoping the fresh air would help it.

Bryan somehow knew exactly how to get to my mother's house, which was where we decided would be the better place to start. Getting out of the truck I pulled out the keyring, I hadn't used or even looked at for that matter, out of my pocket and slipped it easily into the lock.

Stepping into the house I was hit with an overwhelming smell of dust, mold and alcohol. I turned to look at Bryan my hand covering my face and my eyes wide. He shook his head but kept quiet. I tiptoed through the house as if I was an intruder.

Reaching my bedroom I was worried at what I'd be faced with on the other side. I opened the door a stale smell filled the air now, I assumed no one had been down this hallway, much less in my bedroom since I left. I looked around seeing the various pictures of me with my friends that I'd put up one of the last nights I'd actually stayed at my house in attempt to distract myself, the many cheering and gymnastic trophies I'd received from multiple meets and tournaments, and all of the small things that reminded me of my past; ticket stubs, movie tickets, souvenirs, stuffed animals.

Taking a deep breath I was ready to start packing my things. "I'll just be a moment, I'm sure my mom left the boxes from moving in the closet." I said leaving the room again. On my way to the closet that was near the kitchen. I took a quick glance to survey the damage in there; the garbage hadn't been taken out in way too long, there were bottles piling up on all surfaces, some were even spilling onto the floor, and there were bugs. I was disgusted by the sight and quickly turned back to the task at hand, boxes.

I was right, the closet was filled with them. I pulled out only three, knowing that'd be enough at both houses; I mainly wanted my clothes.

Returning to my room I found Bryan lying down on my bed. "Lazy." I joked looking at him.

He chuckled and stood up. "What'd you want to take?"

"Well I really want my clothes and CDs and I think that's it." I said looking around.

"Sounds good." He said walking towards my stacks of CDs as I started pulling the clothes in my dresser out and into the boxes.

When both my CDs and clothes from the dresser and closet were packed, we had almost completely filled the second box. "Hey, why don't you fold the blanket on my bed? It's my favorite and the one at home is a bit old." I suggested as I stood up and walked towards the door.

"Where are you going?" He asked doing as I'd told him.

"Well, we're going to need another box and I figured I'd just pop in and say something to my mom…" I said the last part quietly as I bit at my lip.

"You wanna go alone?" He questioned worriedly.

"I think it'll go better if it's just me." I responded truthfully, knowing my mother would not approve of Bryan.

"Alright, well I'll wait for you here." He said continuing to fold the blanket.

"It shouldn't take long, why don't you take the matching pillow cases and stuff though, that way it all matches." I said hoping to distract him if it did take long. He nodded and I set out down the hall.

I felt like a stranger in my own house, walking down the hallway I felt out of place. As I got closer to her door the smell of alcohol increased and I could hear her TV loudly playing in her room. I didn't understand why she needed it so loud, when I was growing up it seemed like she could hear absolutely everything. I knocked lightly on the door, scared of what I'd find. Knowing she hadn't heard I knocked louder.

"Who's there?" She asked loudly, her voice confused but not scared; this struck me as odd who would be on the other side?

"It's me mom, Haley." I said my name, afraid she might've forgotten she had had me.

"Why are you here?" She snarled through the door. "Why aren't you with your precious father?"

I was shocked at what she'd said. "Why would I be with dad?" I asked opening the door and getting my first good look at her; her hair was down, greasy and messed up, matted down in areas and sticking up and to her face in others. Her eyes had bags under them so dark it looked like she'd been punched. She was in her pajamas and bath robe and hadn't looked to have gotten up from the bed in a long time.

"You spend all your time there, don't think I don't notice Haley." She spat the words at me, refusing to make eye contact, before taking a swig from a bottle of vodka.

"I'm sorry." I said worrying what would happen if I set her straight, would she be even angrier about Bryan? Would she call the cops or something? "I took my stuff, just so you know."

"Good." She said looking at the TV. I stood there, in her room for a few minutes hoping she'd say something more. When she didn't I quietly left the room and headed back to my room, briefly stopping to pick up another box.

"How'd it go?" Bryan asked, again lying down on my bed, when I got back into the room.

"Could've been better…" I responded setting the empty box by the other one.

"You okay?" He asked sitting up and motioning for me to come by him.

I leaned into him and sighed. "Yeah, I will be." Pulling away I smiled, "Let's get out of here so we can get home."

"Sounds good to me." He reached down for one the box he hadn't brought to the car in my absence.

"Bryan, do you have any of those pills left?" I asked on the way out, nervously.

He turned around and looked at me shocked. "Yeah I have some, why?"

"Oh, well I just kind of want one…" I said sheepishly looking up at him.

He smiled widely at me as if I'd just given him the best news in the entire world. "We can do that." Shoving the box in the back and hopping into the car we drove to my dad's house hand in hand.


End file.
